


Are We There Yet

by sailingonstardust



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Barduil - Freeform, Crack, Gandalf Meddles, I don't know what else to tag this with, M/M, Modern AU, No Angst, Road Trip, bagginshield, just a really lighthearted thing tbh, multichap, naturally, thorin and thranduil hate each other's guts, uuhhhhh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-18 13:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4708493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailingonstardust/pseuds/sailingonstardust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bilbo and Thorin receive a letter from their dear friend Gandalf requesting that they take a little road trip and meet him at a friend's house on account of some urgent business, the pair does not seem to have any choice in the matter but to go. When their car breaks down, however, they are surprised to say the least that their next door neighbors Bard and Thranduil Bowman received the same letter and have now offered them seats in their car on the six hour journey. </p><p>Each man knows it will be anything but a smooth ride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Look, another thing! I can barely keep up with any of my current wips so I thought, 'Hey! Why not start another multichap?' And thus, this cracky thing was born. 
> 
> This is unbetaed, so I apologize for any mistakes~

Bilbo read the letter, then he read it again. Honestly, why Gandalf never bothered to send his correspondences via email or even by phone was beyond him.

 _My dearest Bilbo and Thorin Baggins,_ read the old man’s familiar, flowery print,

_I hope this letter finds you both well. I have half a mind to ask the usual questions: ‘How is your garden?’ and ‘Are Fíli, Kíli, and Frodo well?’, though I will refrain in the hope that I will be seeing you soon in the flesh. In fact, it is because of this hope that I am writing you this letter._

_I understand that you have not visited Beorn Northmanlately, and understandably so seeing as the distance between the lot of you is not exactly a short one. Despite this distance and, dare I say it, inconvenience, I ask that you would take the time to visit him (and I) as soon as possible. It is, of course, on urgent business that I send for you, and I sincerely hope that you will find it in your hearts (and schedules) to tend to it._

_Ideally, you would find yourselves leaving as soon as possible, as I’m not entirely sure how swiftly this business will be attended to. Don’t worry about lodging; there is plenty of room at Beorn’s. I only ask that you bring yourselves and your basic necessities._

_There is so much more I wish to say to you both, though I suppose it is best if it all waits until we are reunited in person. In case you are not familiar with our friend’s address, I have attached it on the back of this letter. Safe travels, and I look forward to seeing you soon._

_Your old friend,_

_Gandalf Grey_

“Who’s that from?” Thorin gruffed from behind as Bilbo finished his third reread of the vague command disguised as a friendly letter. Of course the man loved his friend dearly, but he had known the old meddler long enough to recognize an order when he saw one. Deep down, Bilbo knew neither he nor his husband had any say in how they would respond: they would simply go along with whatever Gandalf said.

Instead of trying to recount the ridiculous request to his husband, Bilbo simply handed the paper off to him and waited expectantly for the darker haired man to finish. When finally he did, the look of annoyance on his face was almost comical. 

“We’re going, then?” Thorin frowned, and it came out as more of a statement than a question.

“You know we have no choice. Believe me, I’m just as ticked off as you are. But he did say it was ‘urgent business’…”

Thorin snorted. “Yeah, the last time he sent for us on urgent business it was because he wanted us to meet his ratty old stoned neighbor whose name sounded remarkably similar to ‘rat’s ass’.” 

“How do you even remember that?” Bilbo questioned before deciding that it was unimportant and waving his hand through the air as if he could erase the question from existence. “I honestly don’t know what to expect, but I do know that we need to go. If we don’t, who knows what he’ll do.” 

“Probably show up on the front stoop with some weed and illegal fireworks.” Thorin mumbled under his breath, and Bilbo pretended not to hear him.

“I think we should leave tomorrow morning.” Bilbo told, and he could tell that Thorin was trying his darnedest not to roll his eyes in exasperation, not at him, but at Gandalf. In the end all the shorter man got out of his husband was a resolute grunt before he turned away and began the task of packing. 

It was going to be a long few days.

****

The look on Thranduil’s face when he heard the news would have been comical, had it not conveyed the very feelings in Bard’s soul.

“He can’t honestly expect us to find a sitter for four children for multiple days in under twenty-four hours.” Thranduil whined, and Bard felt his husband’s frustration, he really did. But he had also seen how much trouble Gandalf could cause when people did not do as he told, and he _really_ didn’t want to get involved with that. 

“I know, Thran, I know. But what do you want me to do? We don’t exactly have a choice in the matter.”

The brunet watched as Thranduil’s lower lip protruded in a pout. “I know. And that’s precisely why it bothers me so much.” The blond told, and Bard couldn’t help but give a little laugh. 

“I don’t like it either, love, but nevertheless we’re going.” The man told.

Thranduil sighed far more dramatically than the situation warranted and moved to exit the room, throwing an “I’ll see if Tauriel can watch them for a few days. The shop will be fine if it’s closed while we’re away.” over his shoulder.

The blond was the proud owner of a flower shop just five minutes away from their humble abode, and Tauriel had been working for him since she was old enough to legally get a job, and she helped out around the place even before that. The woman had become close friends with the Bowman-Greenleafs over the years, and she absolutely adored their four children. They really shouldn’t have a problem getting the red head to take care of them while they took the six hour drive to the house of a man that they barely knew.

With a deep breath and a square of his shoulders, Bard made his way to find their children and break the news.

****

Packing was never really Thorin’s strong suit, though it was certainly made more difficult than usual by the fact that a) he had no idea how long he and Bilbo would be gone, and b) he had no idea what they would be doing while they were gone. Such was life when dealing with Gandalf.

Bilbo had always been the one to keep up with the meddlesome old man, and Thorin had always felt that going along with his strange whims would lead to their demise. Perhaps ‘demise’ was a bit of an exaggeration, but surely it would lead to nothing good. Although, come to think of it, it _was_ Gandalf that introduced him to his husband in the first place…

Still, that did not mean anything good would come from it _again_.

Yet here he was, stuffing random articles of clothing into his smelly old duffle bag from his college years while Bilbo fussed over Frodo and instructed him to be good while at the Gamgee’s. They lived across the street and had a son Frodo’s age who just so happened to be the boy’s best friend. The lovely family was kind enough to let Frodo spend the night for a few days, for which both Thorin and Bilbo were immensely grateful.

Once their nephew had been sent off to the Gamgee’s (who were thanked profusely and were offered a loaf of banana bread that Bilbo stayed up late into the night making in thanks), the pair was ready to go on their way.

Bilbo was typically the one to drive as Thorin’s sense of direction was horrid to say the least, and so the latter loaded their duffle bags into the back seat before climbing into the passenger side. Before he could get comfortable, however, a protestation from the car was let loose, sounding vaguely like what he would imagine the screech of a dragon to sound like. Thorin didn’t need to get a good look under the hood to know that there was no way that he could repair that on his own.

The groan Bilbo let out summed up Thorin’s feelings entirely.

“I don’t even have to check to know that a professional needs to look at this before it’s safe to drive.” Thorin told glumly, somehow knowing that this was only the first of many issues to come on this little trip.

“Yes, I figured.” Bilbo snapped, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

As the pair climbed out of the vehicle and unloaded their bags, wondering what on Earth they were going to do, Thorin heard the slam of a door coming from the next house over. Just when he thought the moment couldn’t get any worse, out came Thranduil Greenleaf, Thorin’s hated next door neighbor and sworn enemy. Behind him followed Bard, the (obnoxiously) blond’s husband.

“What in the name of all that is holy was _that_?” Thranduil questioned in a tone of voice that Thorin guessed was supposed to sound superior but really made him seem to have a head cold.

“Clearly it’s our new horn. We thought we’d give it a try before getting out onto the open road; I didn’t think you’d mind since the only think you’re capable of listening to is your own bratty whining anyway.” Thorin jeered before Bilbo could get a word in. The glare Thranduil sent him was absolutely worth the indignant slap on the arm he got from his husband. 

“Thorin!” The shorter man exclaimed, looking supremely embarrassed despite the fact that Thorin and Thranduil had acted like this towards each other for as long as most people could remember. “I’m so sorry for his rudeness. We’re not sure what’s wrong; I went to start it up and _that_ happened.” Bilbo explained, waving his hands in the direction of the car.

“Are you going on a trip?” Bard asked, gesturing to their stuffed bags, and Bilbo nodded.

“It’s kind of hard to explain as we don’t know many details ourselves, but Gandalf Grey told us – erm – _asked us_ , if we would make the trip up to Beorn Northman’s. Why, I don’t know, but surely you understand that the will of Gandalf is not to be ignored.”

“You’re kidding.” Bard deadpanned, and the look on Thranduil’s face changed from mildly disinterested to downright angry.

“Umm… no. Why would I be?” Bilbo asked, confused, before Bard answered with “Because he asked the same thing of us.”

Thorin felt anger bubbling to the surface of his mind, threatening to spill over. Surely the old man knew about his and Thranduil’s distaste of one another, and now that he thought about it, that was surely why they hadn’t been told about the other being invited. Even after all this time, Gandalf’s meddling never ceased to amaze him.

“I don’t know why I’m surprised.” Bard told, and Thorin thought that that about summed up everyone’s feelings on this turn of events. “There’s no doubt that you won’t be going anywhere in that thing anytime soon.” The brunet said, gesturing towards their car. That was, unfortunately, a very true assessment.

“I don’t suppose… Well, I mean…” Bard stuttered, and Thorin raised his eyebrows in expectation. “If we’re all going to the same place, it wouldn’t hurt to all ride together…” The man shrugged. Even as he said it, Thorin could see the hesitance and regret in Bard’s eyes that he tried unsuccessfully to hide. Thranduil, however, didn’t bother even attempting to keep his emotions hidden, as per usual.

The fury and indignation in the blond’s icy gaze was almost tangible as the man pulled his husband away from the Bagginses in an angry huff. Despite, or maybe because of, the lengthy eight feet Thranduil put between them, Thorin heard every word the man whined to his husband. It wasn’t as if the blond was trying to be discreet anyway.

Instead of being subjected to Thranduil’s royal bitchiness for a moment longer, Thorin decided to pull his own husband aside and voice his opinion on this whole matter.

“He can’t honestly expect us to ride with them, in a confined space, for _six hours_.” Thorin griped. Bilbo, however, seemed to think otherwise.

“I think it’s very nice of them to offer.” The shorter man told. “Goodness knows it’s not easy being stuck with you in a car for six hours.”

“Hey!” Thorin complained, bumping his husband only halfway playfully on the arm. “I am wonderfully pleasant when I want to be.”

Bilbo snorted at that. “Uh huh. And ‘when you want to be’ is never, then, I assume?” Thorin simply _hmph_ ed and crossed his arms over his chest. 

By now Thranduil was standing with a hand on his hip and another hand held up as if he was engrossed in inspecting his nails. Bard stood to the left of him, still looking wary, like he would take back his offer in a heartbeat if he could. Honestly, Thorin would have found a way to encourage him to do so if he knew Bilbo wouldn’t banish him to the couch for it.

“We’re leaving as soon as Tauriel gets here to watch the kids, and that should be any minute now.” Bard informed them. “You’re welcome to go ahead and load up your bags if you would like to come with us; we’re going to throw ours in as soon as we say goodbye to the kids.”

Bilbo nodded, offering a “Thank you so much, I can’t tell you how much we appreciate it,” and turned to pick up his duffle, handing Thorin’s off to the man himself. Bard turned to head inside his house and Bilbo made his way over to Bard’s Subaru, leaving Thorin and Thranduil to glare at each other.

Thorin didn’t know about the blond, but he was aiming to turn the taller man into a pile of ash with his gaze. As of yet he was unsuccessful.

With an eye roll and a flip of his ridiculously long hair, Thranduil turned to follow his husband into their house. Already Thorin wanted to strangle him, and the trip hadn’t even started yet.

Mahal help him.


	2. Chapter 2

How he got into this situation Thranduil did not know, but he was sure he would strangle Oakenshield by the end of the trip. 

The pair had been college friends, and after a series of mishaps and misunderstandings they were more than happy to part ways and never see each other again. It was much to Thranduil’s great surprise and chagrin, then, that he realized that his new neighbor was none other than Oakenshield himself, now going by the name of Baggins with a husband and nephew of his own.

Bard had tried to get him to put the past where it belonged, but as far as Thranduil was concerned the past belonged _here_ and _now_. Needless to say their first attempt at reconnecting failed epically (and may or may not have ended in a black eye and bloody nose), and since then neither of them had been able to stand each other.

Of course it was difficult living so close to one another, but they had a mutual understanding that they were to avoid one another at all costs. His husband’s little offer earlier, however, had thrown a wrench in that agreement. 

This, Thranduil was _not_ happy about.

So it was that he found himself quite literally stuffed into the backseat of Bard’s Subaru with Oakenshield. He might have laughed if it was somebody else who had his knees in his face, but since it was him it was certainly not a laughing matter. Bilbo had explained that he had to sit up front lest he get carsick, and Bard would not let anyone besides himself drive his car. Thranduil had half a mind to angrily curse out his husband, but thought better of it as he pictured the uncomfortable brown sofa he would no doubt be banned to once they finally returned back home. Instead, he directed his anger towards a better candidate: Oakenshield.

“Do you need a booster seat?” Thranduil jeered. The man’s height had always been a source of embarrassment for Thorin. “We’ve got one that Tilda uses in the back there if you’d like to see what it feels like to actually be able to look out the window.”

“Actually, I think the bigger concern here is the fact that your head is scraping the ceiling.” Thorin responded with a scowl. “So much for your pretty hair.”

Thranduil’s head was, in fact, pushed up against the ceiling, much to his annoyance. It was a good thing he was far past trying to impress any of the men in the car.

“Are you honestly going to bicker the entire time?” Bard sighed in exasperation while looking back at the pair of them through the rearview mirror.

“I don’t recall being the one who suggested we all ride together.” Thranduil retorted, crossing his arms for emphasis. He saw his husband roll his eyes and shift his gaze back to the windshield. 

“Fine. We’d better get this over with as quickly as possible, then.” Bard said, shifting into reverse and backing out of their driveway.

The knowledge that he was stuck in here for the next six hours hit Thranduil like a brick wall, and he couldn’t help but feel the finality of it all. There was no turning back now.

****

There had been many people in Thorin’s life whom he despised with a passion, but none so vehemently as Thranduil. It was most unfortunate, then, that he found himself all but pressed up against the man in the backseat of a Subaru with nothing but empty road in front of them for the next six hours.

At first the situation seemed hopeless and Thorin all but resigned himself to his miserable fate. That was, until he realized that he could do quite a few things that annoyed the blond to no end. That realization brought Thorin an unreasonable amount of joy.

In hindsight, he did not know why he thought it would be a good idea to be as obnoxious as possible, nor how he thought it could end at all positively for him. But nevertheless Thorin’s gaze wandered to the button on the door which controlled the window on his side of the car. Against his better judgement, the man’s finger made a beeline for the button and suddenly his window was being rolled down with a slight, but steady, hum.

Out of the corner of his eye, Thorin saw Thranduil raise one obnoxiously thick eyebrow. Meanwhile his husband and Bard spoke amiably in the front seat about some pie recipe or another, meaning that at the moment the coast was clear and he would not be slapped by Bilbo. Another press of the button, this time to make the window go up, and Thorin had to fight to keep the smirk off his face. Thranduil simply rolled his eyes and turned his entire body away from him, arms crossed in annoyance. 

It felt unspeakably good to act like an annoying child again, especially when Thranduil was the one he was annoying. Unable to restrain himself any further, Thorin began to jam the window button repeatedly in both directions, making the obnoxious humming resonate throughout the car. 

“Oh, by the Valar!” Thranduil exploded, turning back around in his seat and leaning easily across the width of the car to cover the button violently with his hand.

“Thorin, must you?” Bilbo snapped from the front seat, twisting his torso to glare at his husband.

“He deserves it, the bastard.”

“Thorin!”

Thranduil simply smirked, however, and said “Oh no, Bilbo, believe me when I say it’s fine. If Oakenshield wants to play that way, then I will gladly join the game.”

“Thran, what the hell?” Bard deadpanned, glaring daggers at his husband in the rearview mirror. “What did I just say literally fifteen minutes ago?”

“Bard, stay out of this. You should have foreseen this before inviting Oakenshield on this insufferable little excursion which, may I remind you, we are only taking because an old stoner sent us a letter in the mail.”

Thorin heard Bard sigh exasperatedly and saw him shake his head. “Fine. Just don’t think you’re getting anything tonight.”

A cough from Bilbo, then, before Thranduil let out a “ _Baaaaaaaard_!” to which the brunet didn’t reply. Apparently resigned to his fate, Thranduil turned to Thorin with a death glare and uttered the words “It’s on, Oakenshield.”

***

Bilbo had high hopes for this trip, he really did. In his mind the four of them bonded over their shared annoyance towards Gandalf and the stupid things their children did, but those hopes were squashed before they had even pulled out of the neighborhood in which they resided.

Bilbo wished he could say his husband had taken the high road, that he was above all of the obnoxious jeers and pranks, but if he did he would be lying. Honestly, Thorin had probably started it. Bilbo had tried to block out the sounds of the pair in the backseat by talking to Bard, whom he had always found to be quite nice even if his taste in men was questionable. But their antics just kept getting harder and harder to ignore. From name calling to kicking each other in the shins to arguing vehemently over which station they would listen to, the man thought that he had witnessed it all.

The final straw for Bilbo was when Thranduil began to kick his seat like a bored child on an airplane. Bard seemed to be engrossed in singing along to some country song, bobbing his head along to the beat, so he was not of much help in deterring the blond. Thankfully Bilbo had overcome his politeness a while ago, and had no qualms about speaking up.

“That’s it!” He exclaimed, slamming a hand down on the center console and startling everyone in the car. “Pull over, I’m sitting in the back!”

“But won’t you get sick?” Bard questioned, sending Bilbo a confused look out the corner of his eye, still unaware of his husband’s antics. 

“I don’t bloody care anymore, just let me sit back there.”

Bilbo could practically feel the smug vibes radiating off of Thranduil as Bard maneuvered the Subaru to a patch of grass on the roadside. Without a second’s hesitation Bilbo and Thranduil were out of the car and switching seats, much to one’s annoyance and the other’s smug pleasure. After getting situated they were back on the road with forty-five minutes down and only five hours to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, an update! Sorry it's so short, these past few weeks have been not so great for me irl. I would much prefer being stuck in the car with these nerds tbh.

**Author's Note:**

> Eyyy~  
> I have only the vaguest plan for this thing and I'm *hoping* it will stay fairly short (maybe 5 or 6 chapters?), but it should go pretty quickly if I can find it within my power to update on time.*sigh* I am the worst at that..  
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Comments make me happy♡  
> I hope you all have a great day/night/whatever!


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